05.23am is one of the most significant points of my life. It was the time I was admitted to a Psychiatric Ward. So that is why I decided to name this blog it because it changed my whole life, and my family's life completely. They have been my rock throughout all this and would not have coped without them.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012


I have a new found respect for painters and decorators. I haven't blogged for a month or so now because I have had a whirlwind few weeks. Firstly I turned 21, which wasn't as scary as I thought it was going to be (but I do still feel pretty old now). Secondly I am the proud renter of my own flat! Something which I thought would happen at some point but I had an interview one week, got the keys the next and now I have literally just put the first lick of paint on the walls. So I apologize but my feet have hardly touched the floor. Hence my new respect for decorators.
So much has changed I have just been riding some sort of high of all the activity I have found myself involved in, and it has been amazing, I feel refreshed and in a really good place. So I don't really want to mar what is a really good period of time with any downheartedness, and for once I don't really have reason too. The only down side to this whole month is that my sleeping is all messed up, I think this might just be left over energy or excitement or whatever but I cannot sleep more than 4 hours in a row, which is starting to take its toll a bit. Being constantly tired is making things a little difficult but I guess at the moment it cannot be helped.
The only negative that has really come of me moving house is that I have to move doctors, as I have moved into a new catchment area and therefore I am being legally forced to move to the nearer practice. My GP has been so amazing to me and has seen me go through so much and can still raise a smile even when times are hard I feel very sad to leave him. He saw me at my very worst so I guess it is sort of fitting he see's me so happy before I leave for a new practice. But still I do not really want to move because I don't really want to have to go through everything with a new doctor, needs must I suppose though. It got me wondering whether this whole catchment area thing is just a British thing because it does seem a little odd that I am being forced to move when I want to stay put. That I don't know the answer too.

Monday, 1 October 2012

Turning 21

So today I turned 21; how do I feel? The answer is I don't feel that different to be honest. At least, not as different as I thought I would feel. Your age changing can sometimes change the way you think and feel, but the content of todays blog would not change if I was turning any age, I just feel it needs to be said.

Dr Bruce Banner turned into the hulk when he got too stressed out in the latest Avengers Assemble film, and  you clearly see the way people pussy foot around him, like he is some sort of runaway train on a broken track or a ticker on bomb that you can't turn back (thank you Mr Loaf for the quote there). This is the way some people look at me, if they know about my mental health history, and I think it is a way that other people with a mental health history are viewed; always with a little distrust. Either that or they see the scars on my arms and this triggers some sort of defense mechanism in their minds where as in reality the correct feeling should be compassion, it would be if they saw a plaster cast on my arm instead.
Don't get me wrong, I sort of understand why people do it, and I am sure most of them don't intentionally do it, but their eyes give them away. That is something I struggle to get over because I don't always think it is necessary but I am caught because at the same time I do get it. I see it everywhere, when people are getting interviewed on TV or whatever.
So much is made about the verbal and physical discrimination we as a section of society receive and rightly so, but I would take if further and say that actually for me it is the unsaid discrimination that people receive is actually worse; when people say they are cool with stuff (and I am sure the majority of them want to be) but their expressions and eyes say something totally different. It is difficult to blame people for what seems to be a gut, defensive, instinct but I guess we should be able to live in a world where we are not seen as a potential Bruce Banners' but as ourselves who may or may not struggle at times.